finding the confidence and staying connected to your authentic Self

What is it? Your self? Designing and creating it...

You have a Self. Well, lots of Selves.

In some ways, Self is a concept. Created invisibly by the mind.

In other ways, Self is tangible. Physical. Visible. You can point to something and say that is me.

People say they lack self-esteem or a feeling of value for themselves.

What is the self to which they are referring?

There are many ways to define Self.

A sense of self can be associated with many, many things. Seen and unseen.

You have a body. You could say, you have a physical self.

You have a being. That’s biological. And breathes. And digests.

And can move and do.

Does what you do make up who you are? Do you have a self that does things?

You think and have thoughts. Part of your self thinks. Many things.

Is your self what you think?

You have physical sensations. Part of your self tingles or hurts. Aches or relaxes.

You experience emotions. You have an emotional self.

Even if emotions constantly ebb and flow.

Even if new thoughts zip through your mind.

Some say you have a Higher Self and a smaller self.

Is your ego your self?

Is your soul or spirit part of your self?

Is part of your self derived from what car you drive?

Is part of your self about how your hair looks? Or how much you weigh?

Does your self come the family you were born into?

From where I stand, there a tons of ways to look at this. Tons of ways the mind or brain associates, integrates, identifies the human self with different things. Identifies the self as BEING different things.

But what is most interesting about all of this?  All of these Selves?

I think that it’s not that we have just one Self. Or even many selves.

And it’s not that I can stand here and say: Voila, here is your Self. Here is what it is, what it means and where it’s found.

But Self is how each person uniquely defines their own sense of Self.

One person may identify who they are as about the car they drive.

Another may not. Even care about that.

Another person may identify who they are with what they feel. At any given moment.

Another person may identify who they are with what job they hold. How much money they make.

Or who their grandfather was.

It’s really up to each one of us to create the content of our sense of self.

(even if we do it without realizing it)

Who are you?

What do you identify your self with the most?

Do you want that?

Or what do you want your sense of self to be based on instead?

Someone might make their Self too much about one single thing.

Or they may really want something else. That they cannot have because it doesn’t fit in with this very narrow sense of self.

But it is the person who decides!!! (it’s neither good or bad. it’s just whether that sense of self creates what you want or not)

I think it’s important (and fun) to realize this process we humans have of creating a sense of self. How we fill it in, inform it, create it.

Especially if your sense of self has been negative. You now have a chance to do/experience something different.

What makes you, you? To you?

And do you really want this to be how you identify your self? Or do you want something else?

And then, of course, do you have permission, feel safe enough, to be that self you really want to be in the world, around people? Do you allow this self to be seen or heard by others?

Does your self threaten others? Offend others? Does this self seem unacceptable?

Is it good or bad? According to who?

This is where a clash can happen! Where the sense of lack in value seems to come to the surface. Where there’s pain about not being able to be that self freely. To express that self. At least, that’s what it looks like to me here today.

What are parts of your self?

That you want to express, show, speak from, share, live by?

What would this look like, feel like, sound like?

And what do you need to be able to do this?

Or maybe you want to do something without it involving your self. Just do something to do it. And have it not be about anything else.

Maybe this could be a self that is free to do.

Why not design your sense of self around what you love?? Instead of what you dread?

Re-defining, another version of, self-esteem

In yesterday's post I wrote about how wanting to express yourself is the sister desire to wanting to experience a positive sense of Self. A sense that you, your Self, are valuable. Or esteemable.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the noun form of esteem as the regard in which one is held. And the verb form as to consider or to set a high value on.

I'd like to offer up a definition for self-esteem that I am developing. It is designed to help facilitate a kind of self-esteem not just from a mental, logical, western point of view, the I-think-therefore-I-am approach. But also from a rich, body-centered, grounded, yet soulful and spiritual and inspirational perspective.

Here's a bit more about what I mean when I say a limited, western, head-centered point of view.

Here is a quote from Mark Silver. He is a Sufi and a small business teacher. He says: "The problem with 'valuing yourself.'"

"The real problem here is that you are on trial. 'Value' is a judgment. Whether someone says you are bad or someone else says you are good, it's still a judgment. Judgment never feels good to the heart, even if it's going your way, because it inherently diminishes you."

I am beginning to believe that a sense of value blossoms naturally inside of you when you express sincerely what you want to express. And when others are available to sincerely receive and appreciate your expressions.

So here's a definition of self-esteem that I am working on.

Whole Being Self-Esteem = Having your soul, spirit, purpose, vision, sincere desire, highest wishes (use what words resonate for you), having those things 'animate' your body and brain, drive your words and actions, be the basis for how you live and for what you do.

Having those things make up the content of your decisions, the direction of your life. Have them be what informs your daily, tiny or practical actions and choices. As opposed to old beliefs and information you no longer want to live by, but that make up your habits, developed without your awareness as you've moved through life. Taken in from people around you and in an effort to protect yourself. Now you are beginning to know you have more options.

Your body, mind and brain can develop the power to act and live and express according to your brightest desires and hidden hopes.

The desire for expression and esteem

Desire to express yourself = the desire to experience esteem of your Self.

The desire to express yourself is not just about self-expression. It is also the desire to experience positive, full-bodied self-esteem.

How’s that?

I realized that this is true because when doubt, shyness, nervousness or a lack of confidence leads you to block or resist your natural urge to express, there is inevitably an experience of a negative sense of self.

(it may not be in words and it may not even be conscious, but I think it’s there in the body-mind depths. Maybe it’s a vibration or energy that goes with questions like…)

Why can you not say what you wanted to say?

Why can you not do what you were about to do?

What’s ‘wrong’ with you?

This shutting down, clamping down, holding back, stifling your natural way has to have some negative impact on your self image. Why are you not okay? Why must you be hidden? Held back?

What you really want is to think or to act in the moment. To not have to monitor yourself constantly, worrying about what you will say. To let words come naturally. To be naturally ‘you’ would mean that you must be okay, that you must know you are valued and good. And that you have permission to express yourself.

But also it’s important to say that the fear or doubt that stops you is really a gift. Gift? Gift, because it is the result of what you really, really want peeking its head out, wanting to heard. But it is about to express but then runs into some rule you have that says, “No, be quiet.” Or some decision you’ve made that says it’s not okay to speak up.

Nonetheless, the fear indeed does point to a true desire underneath.

There is hope. Expression is what you really want.

Safety and responsibility - Questions about human emotion

How are you doing with your emotions?

What does it mean to feel safe or threatened and in danger?
What emotions seem threatening for you to experience?
What emotions are off limits to you?
What emotions do you not have permission to experience?
What emotions threaten who you are? Your sense of self?
What makes you safe or threatened?
Is it an internal job?  That you can each manage inside of yourself? 
Or is safety dependent on external things?  That you can try to control?

Who is responsible for feelings?

Whose job is it to protect people emotionally?
Is it anyone’s?
Who decides?
And then lets others know?
How do your actions affect other people?
How much should you care about what people experience in interactions with you?
How responsible are you for those other people and how they feel in reaction to your actions?
How responsible are you for their emotional safety in the interaction with you?
What matters more, your self expression, your being ‘you’, or taking care of how another person feels inside?
Does being ‘you’ affect them negatively?
How does it affect them?
Does it threaten them?

Questions about being you in the world

You – what does it mean to be you?

How do you know that you are being ‘you’?

What does it mean to be ‘you’?

‘You’ according to who?

Are you being ‘you’ based on how it feels to do and have what you want?

Or are you being the ‘you’ that is designed to look good as others perceive you?

You – so how should you act?

Should you be seen?

Or should you be hidden?

Should you show yourself to others?

Should you be yourself with other people?

Should you act based on what they want?

Or on what you want?

How do you know what they want?

What’s the right thing to do?

And who decides?

And how do you know?

Who’s going to tell you?

How are you supposed to act?

Or does it even matter?

Does it matter what other people think or want or expect?

Or is it about being able to create the outcome you want?

Towards a more concrete self

This came out yesterday with some pastel chalk on a big sheet of paper...

How you feel about yourself is how everything feels.

Maybe it's a little exaggerated. But it's still also true, is it not?

One of the purposes of this blog is to help make your 'Self' a concrete, tangible, conscious real thing. Because it is very real to your mind-body. Real inside and within your experience. But it has been with you for so long, that it is largely unconscious. And there maybe self-image information that got entrenched there (that you believed) long before you realized that you were creating your sense of self.

Making it tangible, because it is also an invisible process, gives you the awareness, so that you can see it rather than be consumed by it. Which is really important if what you are experiencing is negative or painful.

Unconscious you are helpless. Numb. Unable to choose. If aware, perhaps you are more aware of your pain, and yet you then have a choice. To take a stand and say no more. "I am me. And I am great just how I am. Even if you don't like it. The real me is why I am here. I am free, and I'm sorry if you do not agree."

Questions about Y-O-U

Okay, so I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging and writing for public consumption. (I've filled probably 4 or 5 notebooks this year, scribbles and thoughts to myself) By the way, try it. Journaling or notebooking or scribbling. It helps you to articulate what's going on for you, what you really think or feel, and helps you find your truth. It helps to make things invisible become clear. And really, you can find yourself there. Among the ink and paper fibers and lines. Your truth emerges. And you wonder how it was that you knew something but didn't realize it.

You can begin to see where the roots of your fear sprout.

Anyway, so I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging. I am sharing here some of my own digging. Heck, you could start your journaling by answering some of these questions for yourself. What do they evoke in you?

You – good or bad?

Who are you? 

How do you know who you are?

How do you determine this?

How do you create this?

Do you equate who you are with what you do?

Do you equate who you are with what others say?

Do you equate who you are with how you feel?

What can you feel and still be 'good'?

What do you allow yourself to feel?

What do you allow yourself to express to others?

Do you have permission?

Who gives it you?

Can others influence how you feel about yourself?

How can they do that?

Or is it just you doing it?

Your mind-body?

Emotion/experience making mechanism?

Interpreting how you interpret their actions?

Are you good?

Are you valid?

Who says?

Are you a person or a nothing?

Whose reality do you go by?

Whose opinion matters?

How do you judge goodness or worth or validity?

And how do you know?