Shut down anxiety for more confidence?

Let's say, for the sake of discussion, as I have been questioning over the past week, that the solution for anxiety, social anxiety, a lack of confidence, being afraid of what others think or just plain feeling socially awkward is: Get totally okay with ANY feelings that come up.

Any feelings that come up inside your body.  Racing heart.  Shaking knees.  Shortened breath.  Even the impulse to want to run, get out, avoid or shrink.

That the solution is to just come as you are - yourself and your feelings of the moment.  To not try to pretend to feel anything you don't.  To not display feelings that you're not really feeling.  To not perform.  To just show up authentically.  Real.  Human.  Imperfect.  Easy enough, right?  Do you have to try to feel what you already feel?

(And I think, that if we want to really get okay with any feelings that come up, then we must also be okay with any outward, physical expression of those feelings that come up.  This includes any change in our voice, blushing, sweaty palms, mispoken words, anything.

Why?  Do I think this?  Because the deployment of our physical reactions (to emotionally charged things) tends to be somewhat out of our control and created by the workings of the emotional brain - reactions that can begin emerging in the body well before the thinking, logical, conscious brain even gets the information about what's going on.)

So does this philosophy - of accept all feelings (of social anxiety, awkwardness and discomfort) that come up - contradict the idea of positive thinking?  Does positive thinking mean we are trying to change and alter our reactions, rather than just accept and be okay with them?  Does positive thinking mean we are trying to reduce and repress our reactions, rather than show them and share them and be honest and real with them?

I maybe wrong, but it seems to me that an underlying message of positive thinking, some therapy and many confidence building tips is: Take more control over your emotions, rather than show more of them.  Reveal less of how you really feel, rather than the realness of what's going on inside of you.

And that makes this approach - of feeling every feeling that's there inside for us - for dealing with social and speaking anxiety and for building confidence - seem quite radical.  And I think it might actually be the most sustainable way to give our thinking, conscious brain back its power.  For if we are okay with our reactions, don't we have confidence?

Comments

[Drew]

Hi Sarah,

I like your way of thinking on this one. It seems that many of us are so focused on behaving in a cool, confident manner, that we are ignoring our inner emotions – trying to suppress them as though they are a sign of weakness.

Why are we so intent on comparing ourselves to some “ideal?” Why do most of us strive for this, often, unattainable” level of image and performance?

I used to be so worried about what others thought of me that I avoided any sort of social activity. I don’t know what I was protecting since I definitely didn’t have a “cool” image to uphold in the first place.

These days, I accept myself for who I am. I’ve let my guard down, so to speak. It took a long time to be able to feel comfortable doing this. One thing I’ve discovered is that people generally don’t care about how you appear; they are too worried about how they are projecting their own image.

Keep up the good work!

Drew

[Sarah Malik]

Hi Drew - your comment means a lot to me. Thank you.
It sounds like you can vouch for the effectiveness of this philosophy. That feedback is helpful to hear. Letting your guard down. Good stuff!
Sarah

[...lacking the confidence to give you my real name]

lol-but that is my real email. i read these posts, and i'm so anxious to employ the methods of improvement. yet, my first test in which i could implement them, and i fail. I give a fake name! is it because i feel shy, or because i'm worried about hackers...
who knows.
All i can say is that i dream that i can employ all of these methods sooner than later. i wanna show people the real me, but i'm so concerned all the damn time. and to tell the truth, alot of people that i try to open up to, just say i'm weird or complicated. Is it possible that they don't at all understand (suffer these thoughs and feelings) these things, or are they simply afraid to confront those same thoughts and feelings that i try to.

anyway-what u think?

Really enjoyed ur views...