Okay, I've had a EUREKA! moment.
Here's what happened. I was in one of my public speaking classes; we had been working on developing the beginning of our talks. And for some reason, I knew exactly what I wanted to say in the first few sentences of my talk, but as I tried to find the words that would follow, I'd just start crying. This same thing happened on two different tries to get the words out.
So I e-mailed the leader of the class, Lee Glickstein, saying that I just could not get any further along with the plan for my talk. But that I would come to class anyway. So when it came to my turn to practice with the group, I broke down crying again.
"I just can't do it," I said, sobbing, sobbing. The other class members just listening.
"What's wrong with crying?" Lee said. And then something like: "Maybe you are fulfilling part of your purpose as a speaker this way."
For the rest of the day and into the next, I marinated in what had happened. I woke up and did yoga exercises (I am so grateful for these tools - this helps me to anchor a deeper and more relaxed presence inside my body) followed by pen and paper free writing.
Both put together are helpful for integrating and interpreting messages and insights. I sent out a few e-mails talking about the topic at hand and then went out to walk the dogs.
And...EUREKA! I had a beautiful glimpse in the middle of the park.
I realized that I have been defining confidence. I have been using an un-said definition of confidence. I have never articulated it, even in words in my own private mind. It has been a feeling - operating below conscious awareness - and yet powerfully influencing my actions and my words.
(There are a lot of feelings that unconsciously and word-lessly influence us until we use writing and talking to bring them up to the verbal level of the brain - in many ways what healing is about).
I have been defining confidence as having control OVER emotions. Almost...NOT having emotions? Being able to do whatever I want to do - because I have a way to control my emotions. To change what things mean to me, so that I never have to let myself down by opening up to my emotions in the situation.
How do you define confidence? There are probably ways that you define confidence that you are aware of and not aware of. If you do writing and talking about: what is confidence? you can uncover a lot. I highly recommend it.
But what if...what if...confidence is about being okay with exactly whatever feelings come up? Calm or upset? Peaceful or alarming?
But not only being okay to feel the feelings coming up, but also being open about them with others? (Not hiding them?) What if confidence is being okay as a human to share the experience of our feelings, in the moment, with other humans who are with us?
Or does this make us outcasts? Social pariahs?
(Sharing can mean anything from one sentence of: Oh, I'm so excited - I'm a little nervous! To sharing our tears of sadness or joy).
What if confidence is about being grounded in the real human experience? Connection through meeting the eyes of another? The exciting and magical and UNPLANNED space between two people where life unfolds together if we let it? Even if it means experiencing each others uncensored feelings...?
I know, I know, we want to make a good impression. We want people to like us. We want to do a good job. We don't want to LOSE our jobs. We want to have friends. We don't want to get a bad reputation.
Could applying this alternative definition of confidence be the (secret, reverse) way to do all of that? Could this be the way to true charisma and star power?
These are the questions I seek to answer. (Please share your thoughts with me here on the blog - or via e-mail privately).
We say we want real. But do we? Do we prefer polished perfection? Hidden humans? A denial of our actual lives on this planet?
Like the debate about magazine ads - do we want to see real looking people promoting products? Or do we want to see an airbrushed fantasy?
Do we want to be confident, emotionless robots or to be real and raw humans - scars and all? Do each of us want others to be real and raw with us? Or would we rather DEAL with robots too?
Do we want to watch live stage plays as smooth as movies? Or do we want to see real people and what comes with that?
Do we want to hear people speak? From a script? Or should we just go home and read a book if all we want is perfection edited into words?
I ask these questions genuinely. Do we want flawless confidence? The illusion of perfection? Or do we want to be confident being human, being real? What does it mean to be human and real? Does being human mean hiding your feelings from others? Is that our goal? To feel so good that we can always show how good we feel? What about if we don't feel good? Is it okay to be authentic then too?
It seems there is some work to be done here around: what is really confidence? Have you been unknowingly seeking a lack of emotion? Rather than a real-ness of emotion? An okay-ness with showing who you really are? Or do you just want to get better at putting up your fake facade? (I think I have been).
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